Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Monday, July 06, 2009
Tiger Balls.by Neil Gaiman
You know, one time I saw Tiger down at the water-hole: he had the biggest testicles of any animal, and the sharpest claws, and two front teeth as long as knives and as sharp as blades.
And I said to him, “Brother Tiger, you go for a swim, I’ll look after your balls for you.” He was so proud of his balls. So he got into the water-hole for a swim, and I put his balls on, and left him my own little spider-balls. And then, you know what I did? I ran away, fast as my legs would take me.
I didn’t stop till I got to the next town. And I saw Old Monkey there.
“You lookin’ mighty fine, Anansi,” said Old Monkey.
I said to him, “You know what they all singin’ in the town over there?”
“What are they singin’?” he asks me.
“They singin’ the funniest song,” I told him. Then I did a dance, and I sings:
Tiger’s balls, yeah I ate Tiger’s balls Now aint nobody gonna stop me never at all Nobody put me up against the big black wall ‘Cos I ate Tiger’s testimonials I ate Tiger’s balls.
Old Monkey he laughs fit to bust, holding his side and shakin’ and stampin’, then he starts singin’ “Tiger’s balls, I ate Tiger’s balls,” snappin’ his fingers, spinnin’ around on his two feet.
“That a fine song,” he says, “I going to sing it to all my friends.”
“You do that,” I tell him, and I head back to the water-hole.
There’s Tiger, down by the water-hole, walking up and down, with his tail switchin’ and swishin’ and his ears and the fur on his neck up as far as they can go, and he’s snappin’ at every insect comes by with his huge old saber teeth, and his eye’s flashin’ orange fire.He looks mean and scary and big, but danglin’ between his legs, there’s the littlest balls in the littlest blackest most wrinkledy ball-sack you ever did see.
“Hey Anansi,” he says, when he sees me. “You were supposed to be guarding my balls when I went swimming. But when I got out of the swimming hole, there was nothing on the side of the bank but these little black shrivelled up good-for-nothing spider balls I’m wearing.”
“I done my best,” I tells him, “but it was those monkeys, they come by and eat your balls all up, and when I tell them off, then they pulled off my own little balls. And I was so ashamed I ran away.”
“You’re a liar, Anansi,” says Tiger, “I going to eat your liver!” But then he hears the monkeys coming from their town to the water-hole. A dozen happy monkeys, boppin’ down the path, clickin’ their fingers and singin’ as loud as they could sing:
Tiger’s balls, yeah I ate Tiger’s balls Now aint nobody gonna stop me never at all Nobody put me up against the big black wall ‘Cos I ate Tiger’s testimonials I ate Tiger’s balls.
And Tiger, he growls, and he roars and he’s off into the forest after them, and the monkeys screech and head for the highest trees. And I scratch my nice new balls, and damn they felt good hangin’ between my skinny legs, and I walk on home. And even today, Tiger keeps chasin’ monkeys. So you all rememember: just because you’re small, doesn’t mean you got no power.
And I said to him, “Brother Tiger, you go for a swim, I’ll look after your balls for you.” He was so proud of his balls. So he got into the water-hole for a swim, and I put his balls on, and left him my own little spider-balls. And then, you know what I did? I ran away, fast as my legs would take me.
I didn’t stop till I got to the next town. And I saw Old Monkey there.
“You lookin’ mighty fine, Anansi,” said Old Monkey.
I said to him, “You know what they all singin’ in the town over there?”
“What are they singin’?” he asks me.
“They singin’ the funniest song,” I told him. Then I did a dance, and I sings:
Tiger’s balls, yeah I ate Tiger’s balls Now aint nobody gonna stop me never at all Nobody put me up against the big black wall ‘Cos I ate Tiger’s testimonials I ate Tiger’s balls.
Old Monkey he laughs fit to bust, holding his side and shakin’ and stampin’, then he starts singin’ “Tiger’s balls, I ate Tiger’s balls,” snappin’ his fingers, spinnin’ around on his two feet.
“That a fine song,” he says, “I going to sing it to all my friends.”
“You do that,” I tell him, and I head back to the water-hole.
There’s Tiger, down by the water-hole, walking up and down, with his tail switchin’ and swishin’ and his ears and the fur on his neck up as far as they can go, and he’s snappin’ at every insect comes by with his huge old saber teeth, and his eye’s flashin’ orange fire.He looks mean and scary and big, but danglin’ between his legs, there’s the littlest balls in the littlest blackest most wrinkledy ball-sack you ever did see.
“Hey Anansi,” he says, when he sees me. “You were supposed to be guarding my balls when I went swimming. But when I got out of the swimming hole, there was nothing on the side of the bank but these little black shrivelled up good-for-nothing spider balls I’m wearing.”
“I done my best,” I tells him, “but it was those monkeys, they come by and eat your balls all up, and when I tell them off, then they pulled off my own little balls. And I was so ashamed I ran away.”
“You’re a liar, Anansi,” says Tiger, “I going to eat your liver!” But then he hears the monkeys coming from their town to the water-hole. A dozen happy monkeys, boppin’ down the path, clickin’ their fingers and singin’ as loud as they could sing:
Tiger’s balls, yeah I ate Tiger’s balls Now aint nobody gonna stop me never at all Nobody put me up against the big black wall ‘Cos I ate Tiger’s testimonials I ate Tiger’s balls.
And Tiger, he growls, and he roars and he’s off into the forest after them, and the monkeys screech and head for the highest trees. And I scratch my nice new balls, and damn they felt good hangin’ between my skinny legs, and I walk on home. And even today, Tiger keeps chasin’ monkeys. So you all rememember: just because you’re small, doesn’t mean you got no power.
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